You are stronger than you think you are

Over the course of the last few years, I have taken up running (if you know me at all or follow me on social media, this is not news). For many years prior to becoming a runner, I found a fitness routine through walking and practicing yoga (although I was never a totally committed yogi, I did have spurts of commitment along the way). Generally, I enjoyed lacing up my runners and going for a brisk walk down Wellington Crescent. I also consistently used walking as my mode of transportation to/from work, school, etc.

I always WANTED to be a runner but running was just so frigging hard. I never really knew how to start and whenever I did start, I wound up hating it. So I stuck to walking (which is fantastic exercise in its own right!). Then in 2013, when Juliette was nearing the age of two, a few of my girlfriends took up running and were killing it at some local races. They all had young kids at home, just as I did (do) and here they were making time for themselves and their health by lacing up and hitting the pavement. I felt so inspired! And I wanted to get in on the action, too. So that fall, along with some of those gal pals, I signed up for a 10K at the WFPS Run.

All us girls cheered each other on during training and kept each other motivated along the way with upbeat text messages and kudos. It was so fun! When I finished that 10k run, I felt so proud of myself. I also felt motivated to keep moving. The following year, I ran the WFPS 10k again while I was about ten weeks pregnant. That following May, I had Miles and running took a backseat.

Okay, fast forward to 2016. After some on and off spurts of running, Jason and I relayed the Winnipeg Police Half Marathon in May and then, after some strong encouragement from a dear friend, I registered for my first half at the Manitoba Marathon.

Real talk: I was undertrained. It was a hot/muggy day. I felt awful. It took me two hours and thirty one minutes to run it… but I finished! And as soon as it was over I knew I wanted to do it again. That’s what a race finish line will do to you!

Since then, I have run three more half marathons each with increasingly faster finishing times. Last year I finished the season with a 2:04:43 at the WFPS Half Marathon just three weeks after running Seawheeze, the lululemon half, in Vancouver. I would say that 2018 is the year I felt I became a bonafide runner. It’s the year I actually started enjoying running and began to feel strong out there while pounding pavement.

My mantra became, “you’re stronger than you think you are.” I would repeat that line in my head over and over during long-run training days, speed workouts, and especially on race day.

Through my relationship with running, I’ve learned I really AM stronger than I think I am, both mentally and physically. I was never and “athletic” kid growing up and therefore never felt comfortable in the realm of sport. It intimidated me, and I felt out of place. Truthfully, I’ve always felt a little out of place in a lot of places…

What running has given me is a new sense of confidence that previously wasn’t there. The fact that I can lace up my shoes and run ten miles on a Sunday, as I did this weekend, is so gratifying to me. My body can push through fatigue and discomfort and become stronger for it. My mind helps to keep pushing me along which helps me build my mental strength and resilience.

I am stronger than I think I am.

The voice that tells me it’s too hard or too fast or that I can’t do it is slowly but surely being silenced by the voice that tells me, “You are stronger than you think you are. You are strong.”

And I believe her.

On Fear

Photo taken on a flight from YWG to YVR last September when I was on my way to run the lululemon Seawheeze half marathon. Scary and exciting – my favourite combo!

In my first post, I touched briefly on leaving my 9 to 5 job to help out at my husband’s company and explore what a life with more flexibility might look like. What I didn’t mention is how absolutely terrifying going through with that was. Terrifying and exhilerating all at once.

The day that I gave my notice at work was legitimately one of scariest days of my life. And for about a solid week afterward I felt like I was soaring, or maybe freefalling, through the sky without a net. There was a lot of “ohmygodwhathaveidone?” going through my mind and on more than one occasion I asked Jason “is this okay? will we be okay?”

A lot of friends and family applauded the courageous move (although there’s a good chance a lot of them also wondered what the hell I was doing!). It’s been an uphill battle for the last four years growing the business (startups are no joke), so leaving my secure paycheck and going all-in with him was pretty bold.

The thing about doing something courageous is that it’s actually very, very scary. Here’s what Queen B (no, not Beyoncé) has to say about it:

“Daring greatly is being brave and afraid every minute of the day at the exact same time.” ~ Brené Brown

Preach, Brené, preach! This quote has come to my mind almost daily since shifting careers. I find it so reassuring to know that the feelings of fear and excitement that are happening simultaneously within me are normal and expected.

Here’s what I knew when I decided to do the scary thing and leave my job: I knew that I had to. Okay, maybe I didn’t HAVE to, but I had been thinking about it for a long time. The thing was, even though I actually had a pretty good job and worked with great people, I felt unfulfilled. I felt uninspired. Now, I know that not everyone who feels unfulfilled and uninspired can just jump up and quit. I also know that I am sitting in a priveleged position to not only entertain that idea but also follow through with it. And let’s be clear, it is certainly not without risk. However, a series of events unfolded before me in such a way that felt like the universe saying, “it’s okay to take that leap now, Ali.” So, I did.

It was a leap of faith I took in hopes of not just contributing to our family business but also carving out my own path. I think I kind of love uncertainty, if I’m being honest. A few years ago when I went back to work after my maternity leave with Miles, my now almost-four year old son, I felt completely deflated. Not just because my year of mat-leave was done (and I had to send my baby to daycare everyday) but also because I had nothing new or different on the horizon. In the five or so years leading up to then, I had finished school, gotten a job, had a baby, gotten another job, had another baby, and now here I was, back at the job with nothing exciting – or even scary – to look forward to. I know we can’t live our lives jumping from one whirlwind experience to another. That’s just not feasible. I also truly value stability and routine, but I think for me stability/routine also needs a bit of variety to keep it interesting. Does that make ANY sense??

I believe that no matter of how many times someone needs to drum up some courage to do the thing they want to do but are scared to do, it gets never gets un-scary. That butterfly in the tummy, leap through the air without a net feeling still pops up. What also starts happening is trusting the process. That gut instinct that you’ll figure things out and tackle obstacles that arise continues to get stronger with practice.

I spent so many years of my life scared to change or make changes and it wasn’t a very fun or fulfilling way to live. I can’t predict the future or outcomes, but I can trust in my abilities to take a calculated risk and put myself in new situations. Today, I have the opportunity to walk through my fear and find faith on the other side.

What a gift.

Post One

A recent photo after a haircut because shouldn’t I have at least ONE photo in my first blog post?

Here we go, blogging again! Does anyone still read blogs? I mean I do, and I’m sure some of you reading this still do. But overall, have blogs fallen victim to the mindless scroll and 15-second videos that I seem to consume in copious and probably unhealthy amounts? I am starting this blog in hopes that this is not the case and in general people still enjoying reading content that is longer than three or four sentences.

This feels good, by the way. Writing. It feels nice and I’m realizing how much I’ve missed it. When Juliette was a baby/toddler, I wrote a ‘mommy blog’ and loved it. But of course things got busy… Work, life, baby #2 and my husband’s new business all took priority and left me with no time and no energy to write, so I stopped. I kept the URL for a while but eventually let it go and now if I want it back I have to pay hundreds of dollars. You, as readers, can no longer see the content online. Which is kind of too bad. I can see it, which is kind of nice and nostalgic. Anyhoo, I’ve decided to make time to write again now. I think it’s my thing, you know? I think I’m good at writing and it seems to make me feel good. So, I’ll make the time. For me… and maybe for you, too (if you decide to stick around and read it).

Recently, I left my job to work with my husband at his business to help out with marketing and comms. I was feeling discontent and seeking a life with more freedom and more time to get creative. It’s been a month and it feels like the time is right for me to start bending that creative muscle within. Hence, this blog.

I realized that the icky feeling of discontent was seeping in and a pity party was starting to form. That scared me. I mean, if leaving my job wasn’t the answer to solve my discontentment then WHAT THE EFF??!

Then it dawned on me… I was looking to external solutions for an inside problem. What I was seeking was creativity and joy. And I know from experience that only I can create my own joy. Then I better get creating, right??

So, I write. I write because I love to write. I write because it helps me feel connected to myself and the world around me. I write in hopes that someone will read it but if no one does that’s okay, too.

p.s. I actually do hope someone reads it.